A year or two

Kristie's monthly appt was yesterday. The routine now is get her blood drawn, wait for about an hour and then see the doctor so he can review her preliminary lab work before deciding whether or not she gets the EPO shot.

She had to have the shot and she HATES shots. Its hard as a mom to watch your child cry and feel her pain.

But, she was brave and inside I am not.

This is the hardest thing I will ever do. Make decisions that affect my innocent child who lives her life making others smile that she cannot see.

Nigel and I had a discussion (Kristie was not present) with her doctor about the likelihood of her being able to tolerate dialysis, especially on a long term basis and he agreed that it is not the best option. He agreed that a transplant is her best option. When we asked him to give us his best estimate on a timeframe, he hesitated to answer because anything can happen, but said it would be probably be a year or two.

A year or two. This does make me feel a bit better but only for a year or two. My mind is already jumping to what will happen in a year or two and none of it is good.

This sucks.

The whole thing sucks.

And I wonder, once again, why bad things happen to good people. I read a book on that once and it didn't give me any answers...because there are no answers.

Kristie is flying to Sacramento today to spend Thanksgiving with Katie and her Dad's family. She gets to see Calla and I don't...darn it.

I'm counting the days until December 12th when I get to hold that little bundle of joy and hug her silly. I was listening to her sing over the phone the other day...talking and singing...just like her parents.

Amidst pain there is happiness. Its interesting how you can be sad and happy all at the same time. And its astonishing how feeling all these emotions wears me out. I'm not really good at feelings...not one of my strengths.